At The Speed of..Stress

Hi Friends!

Today's Feeling: Stressed, Anxious, Happy, Needing a glass of wine


School has been out since May 24th and I've been feeling so worried about next year. It's Hailey's last year in her school before she goes to the Middle School here.  We didn't get a chance to have any instructional assessment on the Focalin XR.  With it being the last two weeks of school, testing was over, and all the End of Year (EOY) activities in class, there was no seat work or testing, or reading, to observe.  To top it off, I'm trying to gear myself up for a 504 request, gifted testing, and another year of Hailey hating school.  I'm not a negative person but I plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Our 4th grade teacher Mrs. C *name changed for her privacy*, was phenomenal in accommodating us for changes that could help Hailey.  Before we had the official diagnosis, we were under the impression that Hailey was being lazy and just not putting forth a concerted effort.  So, we implemented new behavioral rewards, charts, organizational tools, and incessant communication to help her.  I know this may not be the case next year since this school pushes responsibility, accountability, independence and maturity to prepare them for middle school. I can only pray I get another great teacher but I feel sick about it.  While wonderful to us, Mrs. C really struggled with how to handle Hailey's lack of focus and organization.  Being a substitute teacher, I tried to implement plans that would not increase her workload because honestly, keeping up with Hailey during instruction time is another full time job! From others, including volunteers, I found out that the students completely shut Hailey out, the teacher was snippy and snide to her (out of sheer frustration, I am sure.), and she was very alone. She ate alone, she played alone, she read alone, she walked alone. She was surrounded by all those people but she was alone.

I think about that last statement and feel my heart breaking each time.  To think, I've been sending her to school and she's been surrounded by a classroom full of kids and she's been so alone.  I hear how she was spoken to, how the other children treated her, recall the seemingly sweet words at conferences and wonder how in the world I could've done it differently.  I really beat myself over the fact that I ignored a respected mentor's assessment of her in 1st grade. I could've gotten her help sooner. Would've it have been better? Would she be in a different place? Would she have struggled so much?  She was showing signs then but I didn't want to hear that anything was wrong! I didn't want her to be 'labeled', I didn't want her to have any less of a chance at success.  In the end, I didn't want to hear that something was wrong and I couldn't fix it or help.

But, after 1 year of homeschooling, 2 years of hell in our Intermediate school, and watching her defeated little face with every weekly report, progress report, and report card, I decided it was time. Time will tell if it's too late to undue the negative but we're working on it, fast and furiously. Her pediatrician reviewed all the Vanderbilt's, assessed Hailey, questioned me like nobody's business, and laid it out in black and white: she needed more than the help I was able to give.

With that paper came days of crying myself to sleep but feeling relieved that there was a reason! There was a silver lining! We could put a name to what it was that made her do these odd things and not keep up: Inattentive Type ADHD, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).  It wasn't a disability, it was a learning difference. It wasn't a deformity, it was a chemical imbalance.  It wasn't laziness. I wanted to rub that paper in her teacher's face and blow a raspberry and say, "See! She's not a bad kid. I told you!" But, in turn, her first grade teacher would have the right to say, "See! I told you so!", so I'm eating a bit of crow.

This was going to teach me quickly that I'd have to speak positive, walk positive, talk positive, preach encouragement, and suck down my 'screw you' instinct dealing with people who didn't understand ADD or my kid. And, it's teaching me that I have to let go of the 'my way or the highway' mentality that helped me survived to adulthood. My child on a narcotic? Not in a million years..until now.

I just pray that I am able to keep a positive perspective, especially in her presence. Teach her to keep it classy when dealing with less than desirable people and situations.  I pray she never feels she's a burden to me because of something I say or do.

Until next time!
~Leo