Today, I will be kind in action, take lots of deep breaths, and be thankful.
I had one of these moments this morning about 4am.
I have been doing a LOT of reading on ADD/ADHD, especially articles about the differences between how males and females exhibit the behaviors differently. In the midst of those articles, I lost that string of study and temporarily found a new one. I found myself following links to reading about ADD/ADHD and how it affects adults. I couldn't believe what I was reading: they were describing my husband in eery detail.
One particularly disturbing and informative string was about women whose husbands have this imbalance. I was scared that I was going to scroll down and find my hubby's picture on her blog. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks: I think my husband has the same thing as Hailey!
I can't tell you how fast the synapses in my brain were firing off. I was having one of the revelation moments I hear people talk about it (which has never happened to me before.). This was such a gradual process with Hailey. As her mother, I was attuned to the changes happening and noting and filing them until I had a list compiled which I could turn over and over and analyze.
Not this morning! It was like the 4th of July in my head! It explained the blank expressions during conversation, not picking up after himself, his hyperfocus with certain things, his inability to multitask, his nonchalant attitude about tasks, lack of organization, and failure to stick to time schedules. He's constantly losing even important things. He hates when our routine is out of whack or if I rearrange anything. Anything he finds boring is instantly tuned out. OH my gracious: I have been a nagging wife! I thought this was normal-these things were the things that good natured ribbing and husband jokes were made of. I've said to him many times that I wish he could look past the end of his own nose and here I am, figuring out that I wasn't looking past the end of my own!
I think over the frustration and hair pulling, arguments and crying spells I've had over these things and can't help but wonder where I've been! How did I not link the two together when I started noticing early changes in Hailey. How did I miss in all the research, reading, and note taking I've already done, that he struggles with the exact same things? I am convinced beyond all reason because the same 3 requests I've made, day in and out, over 11 years, still never get done: close the shower curtain, pick your clothes up off the floor, don't come in the house with your shoes on.
So, over some strong coffee and a lot of deep breaths (because his lack of focus can be very disconcerting) and gently talking about this, I don't think I'm over reacting or jumping to a conclusion. His one statement confirmed it for both us: "I've always been like that. I think that's why I didn't like school. Mom used to get on me for not listening, just like you do, but I am listening. I just have to find the right thought in all those thoughts up there, that I need to actually say."
Wow. So, I'm thinking a lot today. How I can do things differently for him and how, all this time, I've been wrongly thinking that he's doing these things to be mean, how lazy, and how disrespectful of a person he is to me. I've said the same about him that I've struggled to explain to others who have said the same things about Hailey!! He is very successful in his life and didn't seem to be worried about our conversation and is not interested in getting help at this point. He surmises that he's made it this far, what's the point? Maybe he is right. I don't want to nag and I've got to get a grip on how I am going to deal with this. More research and definitely finding some ways I can help him without him knowing so I don't bruise his ego. If he really does have this, he's not going to want to hear it all the time, just like Hailey doesn't. I hope this will help me not be exasperated with him so much too.
Take Care Today!
~Leo
P.S. Hailey loves the new command center and is asking lots of questions about how it will work. She's been really irritable this morning and I think we're having a truly lazy day.
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